How to Say Yes to Saying No
Complete a values clarification exercise (chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://thewellnesssociety.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Values-Worksheets.pdf), identifying in hierarchal order, your top values. Make decisions, e.g., answer yes or no based on your value system (or live in alignment with your values not the values of others).
Practice saying no in low-risk situations, e.g., saying no thank you when asked if you would like milk in your coffee. The more practice you have in low risk situations, the more capable you will be to say no in higher risk or more challenging situations, e.g., saying no to your boss when asked to work overtime.
Replace negative habits with consistent, positive habits which will help increase self-worth, self-discipline, self-confidence, capacity to set boundaries and the ability to say no.
Commit 100% to saying no a certain number of times a day.
Identify a partner to hold you accountable to a no.
If you are anticipating a conversation in which you will need to say no, empower yourself by accessing a time when you experienced a resourceful state and set an anchor to this heightened experience. YouTube “NLP anchoring” for guidance on how to quickly access an empowered state with the use of a physical (kinesthetic) cue.
Role play with a friend or family member whereby you practice saying no and your partner takes on the role of the person you need to say no to. Also do a reverse role play whereby you act as the part of the person you need to address, and your partner takes on your role.
Count the number of times you say no and say yes on a typical day to show the ratio between yes and no responses. Are you surprised by the differential between yes and no responses? Does this insight provide increased motivation to say no going forward?
Identify the number of times in a day you wanted to say no but you didn’t follow through with what your head informed you. Also evaluate the reason you didn’t say yes.
Answer “no thank you, but I appreciate you asking.”
Respond “Thank you for asking but no thank you”
“I appreciate you care enough to ask but I just can’t.”
By saying no, you are saying yes to leading your life. Compulsively saying yes when you don’t want to, leads to being a follower.
Remind yourself that you have the right to be an individual, and individuals are meant to see things differently.
Embrace your uniqueness.
Master the art of saying no and maintaining rapport with another person. For instance, validate the person’s request or circumstance, e.g., “that’s a reasonable ask but I have to say no” or “I get why you would ask but unfortunately can’t.” Avoid the false choice of either saying yes and getting along with someone or saying no and having a strained or awkward relationship.
Rather than reacting or taking on the role you inherited in your family of origin, intentionally respond in your chosen adult role. This change requires that you take a deep breath, pause for 3-5 seconds and tap into the left (logical) side of your brain. A true transformation to the chosen role requires practice.
Before responding to the person making a request, ask yourself what “emotional you” would say and what “wise, rational you” would say and answer with the latter (a Dialectical Behavioral Treatment tactic)
Utilize a process orientation which means focusing only on your part of an exchange and consider your “no response” a success regardless of the outcome or reaction of the other party.
Practice identifying what you want and need on a regular basis, so you are more able to advocate for yourself when an opportunity presents itself.
Practice saying no to the person you plan to engage while looking at a photo, an image of the person online or simply visualizing the person’s face.
Preempt your no by sharing such vulnerable statements as “this is hard for me”, “my heart is saying yes” or “I love you” but I am going to say no.
Reply “I am not able to do X but is there any other way I can be of assistance.” “I am not able to do X, but I would be willing to do Y.”
Begin with shaking your head no to commit yourself to saying no.
Say no as part of an experiment to determine if the person whom you are answering is willing to accept your authentic self.
Say Het (pronounced “nyet”), no in Russian, or no gracias, no thank you in Spanish, to make the word no feel “foreign” to desensitize you from the no.
Reward yourself with a $1 (towards an item you wouldn’t normally buy) each time you say no for a period of one month. Double the total if you say no every day for the month.
Answer “I don’t know or I’m just not sure.”
Before responding, write no on a piece of paper and like an actor simply read from the script.
Say “Maybe next time or not this time.”
Respond “Not right now, ask me later.”
“Unfortunately, I can’t but have you asked _____.”
Cope with the guilt of saying no, which is called neurotic guilt, by focusing on the existential guilt or the repercussions at some future time of not doing what you wanted.
To know what you want or need, and to make room for these things, it is important to say no to what you don’t want.
Remind yourself that guilt is an appropriate or useful feeling when someone commits an illegal, unethical or immoral act (for which one ought to feel guilty and remorse). As a reference point, compare such an immoral act with the “no” that is making you feel guilty and then re-evaluate whether it is simply neurotic to feel guilt for saying no in such a benign circumstance.
On a scale from 0 to 10 with 10 being an act that would make you feel the most guilt, e.g., murder and 0 an act that would cause you the least guilt, e.g., saying no to the offer of sugar in your tea, where does “the no response” causing you to experience guilt land on this scale.
Ask yourself what your life will look like if you continue to always say yes as opposed to a life where you have the freedom to say no when you want. Try journaling about each approach to life.
Remind yourself that advocating for yourself is vital to role model for your children, a spouse or even friends.
Remind yourself that every time you say no, you say yes to dignity, self-respect and self-worth.
Be aware that like drug use, there are support groups for compulsive people pleasing. Go to CODA.org (Codependence Anonymous) to find meetings and information regarding the issue of codependence.
Remember that saying yes when your brain is screaming no could take on the appearance that you believe the other person is not capable of emotionally handling a no, which can be interpreted as demeaning.
One take on saying yes when you want or need to say no is that the yes is paradoxically a “selfish” act because according to this perspective when one internalizes an emotion, the feeling will eventually be acted out in a way that is hurtful to the other person. According to this view, saying no actually is a benevolent act.
Saying no can also be viewed as courageous, responsible and mature.
Remind yourself that love is not loving if you always say yes. Love requires a healthy dose of yes and no responses.
By saying no, you are saying yes to assertive behavior and no to passive-aggressive or simply aggressive behavior.
Remind yourself that the more vulnerable and honest you are with someone, the safer, more trustworthy, more intimate, and/or genuine the relationship.
Replace appeasing others with pleasing your authentic self and/or being the best version of yourself.
How will you feel about having said no in a week, a month and/or a year.
Imagine how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of the no. Is it less challenging to accept a no than to communicate no and if so, why? What advice would you give to a friend or family member who struggles with saying no? Give yourself the same advice. (This is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tactic called the Double Standard Method).
Defer your response to create time and space from an automatic yes, identify the reasons you ought to say no and circle back to the other party with the no. Once you defer a yes, the other person is likely to expect a no response.
Say no to immediate gratification and yes to deferring for a larger, future pay off.
Prior to having to respond no to someone in person, indicate your intention or give the other person a heads up via text that you will be saying no or as it has been coined “burn the ships.” The phrase "burn the ships" originates from the 1519 conquest of Mexico by Spanish commander Hernán Cortés, who, upon landing, ordered his ships to be burned to commit his 600 men to the battle and prevent them from escaping the only way possible.
Saying no will provide you with the protection you need from negative or even evil forces that bombard you daily.
Make saying no part of your identity by repeating “I am a person who says no.”
Teach a family member or friend some of these tactics that you would like to reinforce for yourself.
Saying no can make you healthier, wealthier, less stressed, allow you to live longer, provide the freedom to do what you want to do, take back control of your life and fulfill your purpose.
Believers are called to be obedient to God not to humans. Three bible verses that illustrate this covenant include: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10). “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2). “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matthew 10:28)
Consider reading the following books The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kashimi, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Taking Care of Your Life by Melody Beattie and Boundaries: Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (A Christian perspective).