Marriage
Marriage is a challenging institution, perhaps the most complex relationship or endeavor one will ever experience. The fragile nature of marriage is highly concerning that marriage and family form the fabric of society.
Several factors contribute to the fissure in this bedrock institution: lack of maturity, unreasonable expectations, lack of parental role modeling, low self-esteem, an egotistical and judgmental nature, a rigid and/or self-centered personality and lack of spirituality or religion.
Many folks are under the impression that marriage ought to come naturally because men and women were designed to join particularly when one is “in love” or have finally found “the love of my life” when the chemistry is off the chart.
Based on the epidemic of divorce in the US, the drug or feeling of love, doesn’t outweigh the individual deficits listed above. It turns out that marriage requires a specific skill set to maintain a satisfying or healthy enough marriage. Such a skill set is comparable to a skill set required to flourish in any endeavor such as a sport, musical instrument, hobby or job.
Much like an athlete benefits from a coach and musician from a teacher to hone skills and build on a knowledge base, couples benefit greatly from marital counselors. There are many types of marital counselors available to help folks of all persuasions including Christian and secular/not religious. However, it is essential to find a marital counselor with the right skill set, personality and approach to break a negative cycle, disrupt an entrenched negative pattern or help turn a flailing marriage into a flourishing one. Choosing the right marital therapist can make or break a marriage in crisis. This article will provide an overarching depiction of what to expect from a talented Christian and secular marital counselor.
Secular marital therapists’ most essential job is to provide couples with a process whereby spouses can independently resolve conflict. An agreement or signed contract for a conflict resolution process provides both accountability and a structure for couples to disagree in a respectful manner and negotiate win-wins (where both parties get something each wants and needs). It is incumbent on the therapist to teach this method, provide feedback based on practice at home and in session and ensure that couples make this process an engrained habit.
The approach calls for such active listening skills as mirroring, validation and empathy. Individuals tend to push back or defend reactively when his/her spouse provides constructive feedback. For each spouse to feel heard, therapists must teach couples the vital need to validate even a smidge of the other’s feedback. To succeed in working through differences with a spouse, both partners need to exhibit such traits as humility, accountability, flexibility, patience, self-awareness, a willingness to learn from a spouse and therapist as well as a desire to meet his/her spouse’s needs.
To establish consensus or common ground between spouses, therapists often provide couples a values clarification exercise for both to complete and use as a tool to determine where couples’ values are congruent. Based on a mutual understanding or alignment between husband and wife, the couple is better positioned to work toward a shared vision for the future. Therapists may suggest that like any business entity, couples create a mission statement for the family; job descriptions for husband, wife and when applicable father and mother, develop unified parenting approach or philosophy and a family plan which include some of the same tenets as a business plan, e.g., objectives, strategies, management and organization strategy, operating plan and financial projections and needs. The conflict resolution process is also a guiding principle for making important decisions and paving a middle ground. When more than one value is at play for a particular decision, the higher shared value trumps an individual value which trumps a lower value.
A valuable approach for husbands and wives to meet each other’s needs is to provide one or more preferred love languages to the other. The concept of love languages was discovered by Dr. Gary Chapman, who based on extensive experience ministering to couples, authored the book The 5 Love Languages. The 5 love languages are as follows: words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, quality time and acts of service.
If you are in need of a secular marital counselor, look for a professional who possesses a moral compass, combination of assertiveness and empathy, strong communication skills, the ability to set boundaries, willingness to provide courageous feedback, confidence, wisdom, capacity to project hope and optimism, a likeable and approachable personality, the capacity to remain objective and above the fray and as a bonus a sense of humor.
According to Christian theology, marriage is a covenant or divine union and love which require husband and wife to make the choice to love God unconditionally and follow his decrees. Matthew 7:24 describes the foundation of a Christian marriage poignantly: "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.” Godly love is called Agape which is unconditional, sacrificial and servant oriented. Traditional Catholic wedding vows include “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” This promise is a tall order without the promise of God.
Despite the sanctity of Christian marriage, Christian husbands and wives are vulnerable to the same pitfalls as non-believers due to our fallen nature: temptation, seduction of money, lust, addictions, earthly/cultural influences, poor judgement, impulsivity, pursuit of pleasure, need for power or control, need for recognition, deception by the devil (or in secular terms evil, immorality or corrupt influences).
A Christian counselor’s role may incorporate some or much of a secular therapist’s approach with the key difference being that the leader of the therapeutic process is the wonderful counselor and divine healer not a therapist. For a Christian therapist, the bible is the ultimate resource and compass for the therapy and therefore the therapist needs to have enough knowledge of scripture to navigate for couples. As the conductor, Christian counselors must convey to couples God’s purpose for marriage which is threefold: 1) procreation and the formation of a family, 2) to sanctify each other or help each other become more holy and 3) to illustrate the relationship between Jesus and the Church, his bride (or in other words a husband and his wife, his bride, become one flesh or body which is a divine union just as the Church or Jesus’ bride become one body, the body of Christ).
Additionally, a Christian therapist needs to do his or her best to model the traits of Christ which include compassion, grace, gentleness, kindness, assertiveness and honesty but have the humility to hold up Jesus as the ultimate role model. Finally, Christian counselors serve as a vessel for God by helping couples course correct from a path paved by pride, love of self, our own understanding, self-determination, self-interest and dominance to a righteous road cemented by the love and wisdom of God.
Married couples often have unreasonable perceptions and expectations of marriage. For instance, we all have a void and at some conscious and unconscious level believe that marriage will fill our void or satiate our cravings. Supporting or even fueling this cultural myth, actor Tom Cruise, while playing Jerry in the movie Jerry Maguire, passionately proclaims to girlfriend Dorothy played by Renee Zellweger “You complete me” which according to The Hollywood Reporter is among the 100 most famous lines in movie history. A Christian counselor must make it crystal clear husbands and wives need to go to God to fill us or bring us contentment. Two bible verses keenly depict how we need to satisfy our appetites. The first verse is “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty” (John 6:35). The second is revealed by Paul in Philippians 4:11-13 “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Unfortunately, earthly marriage has devolved into a transactional relationship and brand of love which like a business partnership or relationship is conditional, temporary, emotional, self-serving, outcome driven with the purpose of getting enough value in a currency that appeals to a spouse’s individual desires. This transactional view of love and marriage contrasts starkly with the transformational nature of Agape.
Finally, married couples often allow judgement to get in the way of forgiveness. This major shortcoming often leads to divorce. Christian counselors emphasize not only the critical need to forgive but also the herculean effort required to extend forgiveness to our spouses. The bible commands us to extend grace to our neighbors even if they don’t deserve it just as God extended grace to us sinners. However, we need to pray and lean on God constantly and ask for his omnipotence and courage to forgive one another. The next step is reconciliation which only comes when wronged spouse has the mercy to accept his or his spouse’s apology which also requires God’s mighty hand. Oftentimes a spouse will ask a Christian counselor how many times he or she shall forgive the other. Counselors answer this question by citing how Jesus responds to the disciple Peter when Peter asks if 7 times was sufficient, and Jesus replied “I tell you not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:22).